


Warmth

by gesugao



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Blood, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-29 22:06:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7701541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gesugao/pseuds/gesugao
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is something wrong with Kaneki, and only Hide knows how to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> vampires are a little cuter than ghouls, maybe.

Something was wrong, very very wrong, and Hide was helpless to do anything about it. Kaneki was good at hiding his pain and worry, he didn't want anyone to share his suffering. But Hide was perceptive, more than Kaneki knew, and he saw every small crease of pain on Kaneki's face, every clutch of his hands when a jolt of pain hit him.

Kaneki didn't know that the worry Hide was feeling was painful too. And how could he? The two of them shared that trait.

To spare the other pain.

Kaneki lay on his side, knees pulled up a bit and arm clutching a flimsy blanket. Hide sat next to him, a hand tentatively placed on his head. Kaneki didn't move, only kept his eyes closed and his breathing shallow. He was sick, obviously, hadn't touched any food for a few days, but wasn't looking flushed or running a fever. Rather, he was pale, paler than Hide remembered him ever being.

It had started no more than a week ago. Kaneki had showed up to class, but hadn't put much effort into the note taking or the lunch that he attended with Hide afterwards. Hide said it was probably a cold and made him wear a mask **.**

The next day, Kaneki was worse. And the day after that. Every day a little paler, a little more tired, a little bit more of an effort put into smiling. A slope to his shoulders, a heaviness to his eyelids. Hide's worry began to bloom and he insisted Kaneki stayed home with a few good books to let it pass, he would make sure Kaneki got the notes from school he needed.

Hide showed up the next day with some of Kaneki's favorite snacks and saw the stack of books he had left him, untouched, next to the bed.

It was more serious than previously thought.

He watched him now, stoic and brave Kaneki trying not to water the now flourishing worry in Hide. “I'm fine,” Kaneki insisted. “It's...like you said. Just a cold. Maybe it got worse.”

Hide's brow furrowed and he put his hands under his chin. “That's what you get for kissing girls you just met,” he joked, and Kaneki mustered a short laugh. His eyes were closed, so he couldn't see that Hide wasn't smiling. His eyes wandered from the unread books to the uneaten food, to the cold and pale boy next to him.

“I'm going to feel for your temperature,” he said, in case Kaneki might jump at his sudden touch. Kaneki didn't respond, but Hide laid the palm of his hand on his cheek.

Kaneki's skin was soft and smooth, and Hide felt his heart jump a little. He had never been able to just... _touch_ a part of Kaneki like this. As soon as Hide felt his cheeks become warm, he brushed a lock of black hair away from Kaneki's cheek and then placed the back of his hand against his forehead.

“Well, you're probably fine,” Hide offered and laid down next to Kaneki, staring up at the ceiling. Kaneki nodded only a little, weakly, before falling silent and slipping into a sleep.

_Ice cold,_ Hide thought.

 

                                                                                                                -------------------------

 

_Ice cold,_ Kaneki thought. He rolled over in bed and let his eyes flutter open. Everything was blurry and moved too slow in his vision. He sat up slowly and saw Hide laying on the floor across the room, asleep. It was night and he was tucked into bed and he didn't remember how he got there, he hardly remembered Hide being there at all.

_Cold._

Kaneki grabbed the blankets on his bed and wrapped them around himself, but it didn't seem to keep out the bitter chill he felt on his skin. It was as if the cold was coming from inside of him. He buried his face in the side of the blanket as a rolling pain worked its way across his torso. He bit a gasp into the blanket and brought his knees to his chest. He could express it easier with Hide asleep.

There was nothing Hide could do. He shouldn't worry him.

The pain raked across his body like hooked nails in his flesh. It started low, near his pelvis, and worked its way up, through his insides and into his chest. It was all encompassing, deep and vicious. Kaneki stumbled out of bed, forcing his limbs to work despite being almost frozen in agony. He rushed to the bathroom, afraid he might be ill, but did his best to remain quiet, so as not to wake up Hide.

Kaneki collapsed and caught himself on the edge of the sink. All was silent except for the sound of his ragged breaths, it felt like they were scraping the inside of his lungs trying to get out of him. What flu made you feel like this? What sickness took this bad of a hold on you?

For the first time, Kaneki himself was worried. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and was both surprised and not. White, white skin, dark circles under his eyes, messy hair in every which way. A certain gauntness he hadn't seen on himself before, he hardly recognized the person in the mirror but felt that it reflected what he was feeling.

_Hide...I need Hide to...take me to the hospital._ Kaneki clutched at his stomach, but even the feeling of skin on skin felt like waves of needles being plunged deep into his muscle. He pushed his weight off the sink and turned to leave the bathroom.

Kaneki squinted into the darkness, which didn't seem as dark as he would have expected. Everything was still moving slower than his body, he felt that he was advancing at a normal pace but everything else was stuck in molasses. His eyes focused in on Hide's body. He reached out, unsure if he was walking or crawling. His hand was vacillating between very blurry and very sharp. He heard the sound of his feet on the floor, the whir of the floor fan in the corner, but also something else.

Something rhythmic. 

_Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump._

He took another step. It got a little louder.

_Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump._

Slow, faint, but definitely audible. Like a war drum far in the distance, Kaneki felt compelled by its call to action. He fell to his hands and knees, somehow without a sound. He was next to Hide now, both of them low to the ground. The thumping was louder than ever, but still muffled, as though he were hearing it through a wall.

Kaneki laid on his side next to Hide, the pain and panic were steadily melting away the closer he drew his body to him. A new sense of tiredness was taking its place, and Kaneki didn't mind that he was on the hard floor without any blankets, not that they were keeping out the cold anyway.

_Cold._

Kaneki remembered the feeling of Hide's hand on his cheek. He was always so gentle with the way he treated Kaneki, even the playful punches on his shoulder were restrained. Tentatively, Kaneki reached for Hide's hand resting on his pillow and placed it on his cheek.

_Warm._

It was so warm. Kaneki closed his eyes again and felt his lungs open up, his heart settle, his mind go quiet. The last of the pain left his body as he placed a hand on top of Hide's.

Hide turned a bit in his sleep and laid his other arm across Kaneki. He took a moment to decide whether or not he _should,_ after all, they had never been this close before. Sleepovers were always politely distant. Hugs were quick and assertive, but never lingering. But Kaneki felt drawn to him in a way he had never quite felt before. The thought had crossed his mind in the past, of course.

_What if?_

_Should I?_

But it was always silenced, leaving Kaneki to feel just a little bit more foolish than before.

Now, though, Kaneki dipped his body under Hide's arm and pulled himself closer to his friend. He wrapped his own arm across Hide's torso. Sturdy and strong. Kaneki felt weak and frail compared to him.

He laid his head on the side of Hide's ribcage and closed his eyes. Hide's warmth was the only thing that diminished the cold that had taken hold of his body. His breathing slowed.

The whir of a fan.

The creak of a floor.

Hide's heartbeat.

_Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump._


	2. Chapter 2

Hide was having a dream about a sloth clinging to him while he was exploring the jungle. The sun peeked in through the canopy of trees above him and shone in his eyes. He closed, then opened them.

Kaneki was next to him, both arms wrapped tightly around his torso. Hide took a moment to survey the scene, one he had never found himself in before. Well, it was morning, as indicated by the pale sunlight filtering in from between the blinds. He was on the floor, as he remembered. What he didn't remember was Kaneki clinging to him, almost desperately, still fast asleep and showing no signs of intending to budge.

Hide found his arms were around Kaneki as well.

He stayed like that, staring past Kaneki and to the bed where he had laid him down last night and made sure he was comfortable. The bathroom door was ajar. His arms were around Kaneki.

Kaneki's arms were around him.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

_Think, Nagachika._

Hide patted Kaneki's back gently. “Hey, Kaneki, wake up.”

Kaneki didn't move. His breathing was so quiet and so slow that Hide was barely sure he was still breathing at all. The only clue was the slight fluttering of his nostrils, and the even slighter expansion of his ribs.

“Kaaaaneeeeki.” More pats, a little harder.

Kaneki twitched and responded by nuzzling his face into the crook of Hide's neck.

_Think faster, Nagachika._

This was too much for him. He had almost lost his mind yesterday just by touching Kaneki's cheek for 3 or 4 seconds, now they were bare chested and flush against each other. Why hadn't he worn a shirt? Why hadn't Kaneki worn a shirt? He was still very cold but Hide barely noticed through the slow rising of his own body temperature. His heart felt as thought it was going to burst through his chest.

Kaneki stirred next to him. Hide took the opportunity to let go and wriggle out of the boy's grasp. Maybe if he was fast enough, Kaneki wouldn't be suspicious and he could write it off as a rogue sleepwalking episode.

Hide sat up as Kaneki awoke, but he immediately pulled Hide's blanket over his head. He said something muffled under the blanket.

“What?” Hide asked.

“The...window,” Kaneki repeated. “Close it.”

“It is closed,” Hide said.

“The blinds.”

Hide glanced up. They were only slightly open, but nonetheless he got to his feet and walked over to the window, stretching along the way. He pulled the blinds closed and looked over at Kaneki on the floor, still wrapped in blankets and still. “You know,” Hide offered. “I heard that sunlight aggravates migraines. You haven't eaten in a while so you probably have one.”

Kaneki didn't reply. Hide returned to his side.

“You should eat something, you know,” Hide said. “You won't get better until you do.” Kaneki poked his head out of the blanket but remained silent. “Do you really feel that bad?”

Kaneki took a moment to survey himself. “I don't know how I feel,” he admitted. “Last night I...was very sick. I think,” he squinted, trying to discern dream from reality. “But right now I don't feel so bad.” A hand raised to his chin, then quickly disappeared.

Hide's eyes widened. “Very sick?”

“I don't know,” Kaneki admitted, and retreated into the blanket. Hide stared at him, then looked away.

“Kaneki,” he said. “Why won't you let me help you?”

There was no response.

 

                                                                                                       -------------------------

 

Hide returned after several hours. Kaneki heard the turn of the key in a lock and the rustling of plastic bags. Medicine, orange juice, food for himself since Kaneki's still remained in the corner, sealed. Kaneki lay on his bed, on his back, blankets and pillows strewn on the floor, limbs outstretched and not moving. The fan was on the highest setting. Hide set the plastic bags in the kitchen and poked his head into Kaneki's bedroom.

“Kaneki?”

He stepped forward, and looked down. Kaneki's fists were clutched at his sides, gripping handfuls of sheets. His body was shaking, almost imperceptibly. Hide felt his breath catch in his throat, something was _wrong,_ and not wrong like Kaneki has a good immune system and doesn't usually get sick wrong, but _wrong._

“I'm taking you to the hospital,” Hide blurted after he shook himself out of a momentary paralysis. Had he waited too long to act? Had he taken too long at the convenience store? His hands fumbled trying to reach Kaneki, but a hand suddenly shot up and grabbed his wrist.

“Hide,” Kaneki whispered. “I need you.”

“I'm trying, man.”

“Don't go anywhere.”

Hide paused. “I won't.”

“Hide,” Kaneki repeated, and sat up, eyes heavy and lidded. Hide saw a sheen of sweat on his brow but his touch was icy, even worse than the day before. Cold, clammy, _how could a person be that cold?_ “I need you.”

“O-okay,” Hide stammered. “I heard you.” Despite Kaneki's appearance and the sickness that had taken hold of him, _it was just a flu, wasn't it?_ , Hide thought there was something off about him. But not off necessarily in a bad way. Normally, Kaneki's movements were careful, thoughtful, but ultimately a little clumsy, a little anxious, the result of over-thinking every motion.

Now, though, he moved like a snake. Graceful, almost swaying from side to side and (Hide noticed the grip on his wrist), powerful. Kaneki's eyes looked up at him and he suddenly felt trapped.

He didn't want to escape.

Kaneki pulled Hide's wrist away from his body and leaned in, breath ghosting on his cheek. Hide stared straight ahead. _Move, move, pull away, push him back, say something, do something,_ his mind reeled and his heart pounded in his chest but his body didn't move. No words passed his lips. The feeling of Kaneki's breath—even his breath was cold—on his skin was soothing, calming. A cool summer breeze on a hot day. The wind in the trees. It could move waves, it could move islands, Hide thought.

_Who is in this bed with me?_

Kaneki's lips touched his cheek and Hide almost sputtered. He felt his body relax only a little, it was all that he could force it to. He suddenly felt like a stupid 15 year old with a crush and a fantasy. He remembered every side eyed glance he had cast when Kaneki wasn't looking. How many times had he traced the silhouette of Kaneki's profile? How long had he committed it to memory? How many times had he gone on double dates with him, only to find himself prying his eyes off Kaneki and back onto his girlfriend? Numbers, data, probabilities ( _he probably doesn't even like me, what are the odds?_ ), the slope of Kaneki's nose, the crease of his smile, the way his fingers would linger on the thick page of a new book, the entire summation of their relationship, Hide felt it in the space between Kaneki's lips and his skin.

“Kaneki,” Hide finally forced the name out of his mouth. It came out as a croak and a whisper. “What is this?”

Kaneki's lips moved to his jawline and Hide bit back a gasp. He was so gentle, so thoughtful, every centimeter he moved meant something, it was all so very Kaneki and had Hide not felt positively caught off guard by the whole ordeal, he would tease him for being so predictable.

But he was off guard.

Perhaps mesmerized was a better word.

Hide tilted his head towards Kaneki's. No one was watching, no one else was there, there was no need to pretend like he didn't want it, hadn't played this scenario in his mind over and over and over again on the bike ride home from Kaneki's apartment. Cursing himself all night for not being brave and taking the plunge, for not saying or doing _something_ but now _something_ was happening. Kaneki reacted by letting go of Hide's wrist, and instead pushed his hands up the back of Hide's shirt. His fingers ran over his spine lovingly, like he was his favorite book.

There was an energy radiating off Kaneki, and Hide fell it pull him in. He took in a sharp breath and grabbed Kaneki's sides, then got up on his knees and loomed over him. Kaneki fell back onto the bed and pulled Hide right on top of him, then buried his face into the side of Hide's neck hungrily.

 _This boy is trying to kill me,_ Hide thought, smiled, and gave in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the bloody chapter, my friends.

_ The warmest part,  _ Kaneki thought as he ran his tongue over Hide's neck. He shivered and moaned very softly, perhaps Hide thought Kaneki wouldn't hear it, but he definitely did. Though the  overwhelming sound was Hide's quickening heartbeat. It has started steady but was now going wild and, even better, Kaneki could  _ feel  _ it. His skin on Hide's felt electric, and with every sudden jump of the artery under his tongue, Kaneki felt like he was being shocked. 

There was a hunger deep in the pit of Kaneki's stomach and he was acting on it. A hunger, for what, he wasn't sure yet, but he thought that perhaps it had been growing inside of him for years and years before this moment. Something had triggered it, made it impossible to ignore any longer. He wanted Hide all to himself, every inch of him, he wanted to touch him, keep him close.

He  _ needed _ Hide. In the dizziness of his pain, confusion, worry, hunger, that was the only thing he was sure of.

Hide suddenly pulled his neck away from Kaneki's mouth and arched his back to stare at him. Their eyes locked for the first time since they had begun, and Kaneki felt his own heart flutter in his chest. Hide's cheeks were flushed and a few bushy strands of hair were hanging in his face, but Kaneki found himself only in Hide's eyes. Wide, as warm as the rest of him, he looked like he was witnessing a miracle. 

And maybe it was one. 

Kaneki had always seen Hide glancing at him. When they were younger he didn't understand, but in their wiser years he realized what had been happening all along. Hide had always been eager to put him on dates, introduce him to new girls, invite him to festivals and social events. He was almost too aggressive with his mission to hook Kaneki up.

But the blonde boy in his peripherals….who would catch himself staring and quickly look away, whose hand would brush against Kaneki's and then play it off when there wasn't a reaction, was trying all along to bury something he didn't want to admit. By the time Kaneki realized what had been simmering between them, it was too late to act on it. They had both silently resigned to their relationship. They dated girls, and even when Kaneki saw Hide was happy, and he was happy himself, Kaneki always found himself thinking about Hide. He saw the two of them in every romance novel he read, a highly embarrassing secret that no one could ever know.

Maybe a miracle meant no more written confessions thrown in the trash, no more pep talks about leaps of faith that only end in murmurs of “nevermind”, no more sideways glances.

Now they were eye to eye.

And Hide wasn't looking away.

He leaned in, and Kaneki lost track of his gaze. Hide's kiss was  unsure , but after the initial hesitation became very bold. He stayed on Kaneki's lips for a moment, then worked his way into his mouth and Kaneki tried to grip at Hide's back, but there was nothing to hold onto.

Kaneki felt a wave overcome him and suddenly the whole experience was overwhelming. Hide, the bed, the pillows, the blankets, the floor fan and the heartbeat becoming one noise, the two of them were interlocked and Kaneki was flooded.

Whatever it was, it definitely felt like a miracle.

Hide took Kaneki's jaw in his hands and turned his head a little. Kaneki felt his tongue plunge deeper, and he reciprocated by pulling Hide closer, closer, closer. The heat of his mouth and the taste of his tongue and the pulse of his body were all intoxicating and Kaneki felt himself begin to slip. His head was fuzzy but his body felt sharp, on edge. In a swift movement, he pushed himself up and Hide over, then down onto the bed.

Now he was on top of Hide, who didn't miss a beat and began to run his hands over Kaneki's sides. The touch excited him and Kaneki felt himself slip even further. He was taking mental notes on Hide's movements. The rhythm of his hands, the beat of his heart, the tempo of his breaths in while his mouth was occupied _—_

The rush...of his blood...through his veins…

Kaneki was gone. He lost track of his body, but not Hide's, which was mapped out in his mind like a blueprint. Where the softest, warmest spot was, where the branching of his veins met and separated, he could see it all, feel it all. It was all in his grasp, at his disposal, right underneath him.

The hunger in him spiked. It was frantic. By whetting one hunger he had driven another to desperation and Kaneki knew he was far too weak to fight it off any longer.

He needed Hide.

Every part of him.

Every bit of him.

Kaneki felt a change roll through his body, and Hide was too lost in the moment to notice. It started at the tips of his toes and worked its way up. A tensing of his muscles, a surge of adrenaline. His insides twisted and screamed, not like a creature in pain but like a predator's war cry. He gripped Hide's shoulders and thought fleetingly,  _ how small he feels. _ He opened his eyes and saw in tunnel vision, everything rimmed blurry and black except for hyper sharpened details of Hide's face. A freckle here, a  smatter of  blush there, his eyes were still closed. 

Kaneki pulled away before Hide could run his tongue over his teeth. Before Hide could even open his eyes, before he could even take in a gulp of air or utter a word of protest, Kaneki's  fangs were in his neck.

Sunshine, infectious smiles, late night e-mails, entrance exams, every part of what made Hide,  _ Hide,  _ was on his tongue, in his mouth, down his throat, into his belly and working its way into every nook and cranny of his body. Kaneki dug his nails into Hide's shoulders and pushed all of his weight, his strength, into his jaw to dig and gnash and plunge deeper. The warmth was spreading through him and for the first time in a week, Kaneki felt the cold entirely dissipate. It made him melt, turning them both into puddles that mixed and molded together until Kaneki couldn't tell what was Hide, what was Kaneki Ken, or what was the space between them, if there was even any left. Everything was bright, almost blinding, and Kaneki lost track of it all.

 

Hide pondered, very briefly, if he had or would ever again be this absolutely, entirely, wholly, unequivocally

_ fucked.  _

He was still dulled by passion, his mind felt sluggish and lazy and still swimming in the feeling of Kaneki on top of him and the taste of him in his mouth. It was trying to catch up with the events currently unfolding, with the reality that was moving much faster than his body could react.

He could see nothing but the ceiling above him. Kaneki's weight was still on top of him, though for such a light boy he weighed heavy on top of him. His hands were clutching his shoulders, a bit painfully, and there was a sort of undulating motion happening. But what was actually _happening?_

_ Think, Nagachika. _

His best friend— _ possibly lover? God, focus, Nagachika— _ was on him, grabbing him, head down, mouth open, growling against his skin like some sort of animal, blood on the sheets and on their shirts _ — _

_ Fucked. _

His mind caught up with the  moment and the pain hit Hide like a train. Sharp, blinding, intense pain radiated from his neck and immobilized his left arm entirely, his right one was instinctively trying to pull Kaneki off. He squirmed underneath him but Kaneki was  _ strong,  _ in a way that made Hide's pulse jump and his head feel light. 

“Kaneki...” Hide gasped, gurgled really. He tried again to push him off but Kaneki pushed down harder and turned his head, and Hide cried out in pain as his teeth tore deeper into his neck. He could feel the heat of his blood beginning to soak his chest and back as it saturated the mattress below, and Hide was ignoring another heat brewing much lower, one that was at a slow burn for the past few minutes but had suddenly jumped to an inferno.

Hide grabbed the front of Kaneki's shirt, by the collar, and tugged him side to side. He tried to wriggle away but Kaneki had his claws in him, figuratively or literally, Hide didn't even know anymore. His vision was growing blurry and his head felt heavy. This couldn't be happening, but it was happening, and there wouldn't be another opportunity to be just as irreversibly fucked as right now unless he…

“Kaneki!” Hide shouted, as loud as he could muster. He shook him. “Y-you need to stop, you need...I need...”

His voice trailed off. 

He would spare Kaneki the pain.

 

Kaneki heard something break through the white noise buzzing in his ears. It was distant, faint, but it sounded like his name. He paid it no mind and went back to work. He could feel pressure on his body, hands working fast all around him, but they couldn't budge him an inch. He was lost in a void, feeling only bliss and pure calm. He forgot where he was, the past and the future and everything in between. There was nothing.

He heard it again.  _ Ka...ne...ki? _ A little louder this time.  _ You need...I need... _ it got closer and closer with each syllable and Kaneki felt a jolt run through him. The white void was broken and the empty noise was replaced by the sound of teeth in flesh, blood being gulped, ragged breaths. He only saw smears of color and value, nothing made sense.

There was yellow. There was red. There was

_ Hide. _

Kaneki scrambled off of  him and onto the side of the bed. His mind was again sharp and in focus, and he felt that all the energy that had drained out of him the past week had been pumped back in. His hands hovered over Hide, not yet touching him.  _ React, react, do something. _

Hide was on the bed, eyes half lidded, arms splayed and chest rising and falling at a descending rate. Blood soaked everything: Hide, the bed, their clothes, Kaneki's own mouth and neck. It was all down his front and still dripping from his chin.

_ Blood, blood blood blood. _

Part of him wanted to dive back in and continue, but it was overcome by the desire to instead run into the bathroom, grab a towel, and hold it to the side of Hide's neck. 

Kaneki pressed a bloody palm to Hide's cheek. The warmth was fading. “Hide,” he said hurriedly. “Hide. Hide.” Hide's head turned and his face contorted into pain. Kaneki hated to see it but it was better than no reaction at all. His eyes darted from his face to the towel to the blood to the floor fan to the creaky floorboards to the blankets and pillows and Kaneki let out a sob.

“I'm so sorry,” he said, leaning in. “I-I never meant to do this I don't know what _—_ ” what, why? What had just happened? Why had he done it? What had come over him? _Why did it have to be Hide?_ “I don't know what's going on!”

Hide let out a noise sort of like  _ mm _ , and placed his hand over Kaneki's, the one that was holding the towel in place. Again,  _ mm.  _ “First aid.”

“Oh,” Kaneki breathed and let Hide hold the towel, while he scampered off to find some bandages, gauze, tape, he even brought the cold medicine Hide had bought in his frantic worry. He packed the wound with gauze, wrapped it in bandages, taped it in place, sopped the blood with the towel, wiped his mouth and laid his head on Hide's chest. His heartbeat was so distant, so quiet. He spoke sorry's into his shirt and Hide kept responding with _mm,_ and he begged Hide to stay awake, for just a little longer, just as long as it took for him to make it better.

It did have to be Hide, Kaneki thought.

It couldn't be anyone else.


	4. Chapter 4

“Okay, so, um,”Hide watched Kaneki pour some orange juice into a glass from the bare bed, where he was propped up by pillows. “I would say I enjoyed about 50% of last night.”

Kaneki returned with the orange juice and looked like a kicked dog. “I'm sorry,” he said again, for the millionth time that morning, on top of the millions from the previous night. Hide waved a hand, limply, and accepted the juice.

“It is what it is.”

“What _is_ it?”

Hide took a sip and thought for a moment. He knew exactly what it was, of course, and he suspected Kaneki might know as well, but he didn't want to say it. He thought it might make Kaneki panic, saying it makes it real. So instead he flashed a cheesy smile.

“Could it be...love?”

Kaneki guffawed and turned red, and Hide was relieved. No way a few days ago could Kaneki muster that bright of a shade! Hide laughed and didn't say anymore, nor did Kaneki. There was a moment of silence between them.

The blinds were closed tight and had a blanket pinned to the wall to cover them. The dirtied sheets and clothes were in a garbage bag. Hide was wearing one of Kaneki's shirts and both of them were missing Monday morning classes. It was just like Hide had always pictured it in his mind; a lazy, mushy day off with each other, peppering kisses on each other's cheeks and playing video games and ordering takeout.

But he didn't account for the blood stains, the bandages, and the hurt in Kaneki's eyes. There was something very off with this picturesque Monday morning.

Kaneki broke the silence. “Hide. I don't want to hurt you ever again.”

Hide looked at him, took a drink, set it on the bedside table, and looked at him again. Kaneki just continued. “I can't ever do that again, I--” his voice was choked and he swallowed hard. “Don't ever want to see you hurting again.”

“Kaaaaneki,” Hide droned and put his hands on top of Kaneki's, which were laid on the mattress in front of him. “People are always going to get hurt, y'know?”

“I don't want to be the one doing the hurting.” Kaneki shook his head, small tears forming in the corner of his eyes. He bit his lip angrily and quivered. “I don't want to be _this_.”

Hide sighed. What was he supposed to say? What was there to say to make this right? Was there even a right or a wrong or a good or a bad or anything at all? His eyes scanned Kaneki up and down. He had his energy back, his quiet vigor, but he was still consistently cold, and he was constantly radiating that mesmerizing sort of energy. Hide suspected he had no clue how he looked or what it felt like to be near him, but in his defense, Hide himself didn't know how much of it was supernatural and how much of it was how deeply lovely Kaneki always looked to him.

Regardless, Hide knew there was no going back, they could only move forward. But Kaneki couldn't accept it.

“If I'm going to get hurt, I want it to be by you,” Hide said sternly, staring straight into his eyes. Kaneki wiped his sleeve on his cheek and looked away, shameful. “Pain is fine with me. I don't mind it. Not if it's you. Not if you need to do it. And I know you'll always stop before...” Hide cut himself off. He couldn't say that. “Well, I'm fine right now, aren't I?” He mustered his best smile.

Kaneki's eyes wandered over Hide's and he nodded slightly in acknowledgment. The shame and guilt was still burning inside of him, it was hurting him, and yet again Hide found himself utterly helpless.

What words could assuage him? What do you say in this situation? _It's fine that you're a monster now, I think it's kinda cool. Don't sweat it._

Kaneki held his arms open and Hide leaned over to fall into them. Kaneki's embrace was stronger than usual, firmer, Hide felt strangely safe there. He was used to being the one to gather Kaneki up and give him a reassuring hug when he needed it most, but he was fine being the one who needed a little comforting. Hide closed his eyes and laid his head to Kaneki's chest. No heartbeat.

“It's fine,” he said. “Kaneki...it's fine with me. I just want you to be happy.”

Kaneki was quiet. “I am happy when I'm with you,” he said softly.

Hide smiled. That was enough.

 

                                                                                             -------------------------

 

The days crawled by. Monday night, Kaneki went out by himself at Hide's encouragement, mostly to get some fresh air after being cooped up in doors for so long. The night was an entirely new place for Kaneki, but it was ultimately uneventful and he was eager to return to Hide to make sure he was still fine.

Tuesday, the wound on Hide's neck was finally beginning to heal at a rate neither of them had expected. There was a sigh of relief shared between the two of them. Everything really was going to be fine.

Wednesday, Hide went back to class. Nishio-senpai made a stupid comment about the bandage. Kaneki stayed home, spending the whole day thinking about what to do with himself. Life suddenly felt like pre-Sunday and post-Sunday, the day when their lives veered drastically off course. He tried the food Hide brought him. Inedible. He peeked out from the blinds. Painful. Nothing remained of his old life except for the pile of books, and Hide. So he read. And thought.

Thursday, Kaneki was hungry.

It wasn't as bad as the weekend, of course. It had not yet grown to an unbearable level, where the urge to act consumed any forethought about where he would get food from and how. But it was there and it was unmistakable. He felt colder, a little weaker, the taste of blood was always on his mind and it disturbed him how badly he wanted more. Kaneki felt that he was wrong earlier, and perhaps nothing was going to be fine after all.

He distanced himself from Hide, naturally, but Hide wasn't having any of it. He stayed close to Kaneki, wouldn't leave him alone with his thoughts for too long. He'd joke, talk about school, anything to lighten the mood but neither of them could ignore the impending dilemma facing them.

Kaneki needed blood, sooner or later. It was a matter of whether it would be given to him, or if he would take it.

Hide brought it up first. “It can be me.”

Kaneki shook his head defiantly and without even thinking about it. “No way.”

“Listen,” Hide said. “We can do this. I can do this and I know you can too. Kaneki,” he took Kaneki's jaw in his palms and tilted his head to match his eye line. Kaneki again wanted to melt into those warm hands, and even warmer eyes. “I really do love you, you know.”

A look of desperation and helplessness crossed Kaneki's face. Maybe Hide was optimistic but he knew they couldn't keep this up forever. He didn't trust himself, he wasn't the Kaneki he remembered, even if he was fooling Hide on the outside, inside he only saw the monster that had ripped his throat out, selfishly, without abandon. Kaneki would never do that, but the creature he now was, would. And he would do it again.

So what was Hide saying? How could he love something that tried to kill him? How could he love this obvious, inhuman monster? He didn't get it. Kaneki was gone, he was dead, he died the moment he let himself hurt Hide. And if he had truly loved Hide back…

Things would have been different.

“How can you?” Kaneki managed. His face contorted into despair. “What are you talking about?” He didn't understand. He couldn't.

Hide, perceptive as always, could tell why Kaneki would ask such a question. “I don't blame you,” he said. “I could never blame you for that. I'd do the same thing, probably, right? I think anyone would,” he moved Kaneki's head around in his hands. “You still have that sloping nose, and your smile still creases, and you still handle books the same way. You still blush whenever someone compliments you, and you'd rather bear the weight of the world on your shoulders than hurt another person. Yep,” he reached up and ruffled Kaneki's hair. “Same old Kaneki, for sure.”

Kaneki let out a short laugh. What a patently Hide thing to say. He never showed fear, worry, pain, did he even experience it at all? Hide always wanted to be the rock, the strong one, the one to shrug things off and laugh and bring sunshine back into Kaneki's life. But Kaneki could hear it in his voice, a small tinge, the very slightest hint of hesitation. Hide wasn't sure everything would be fine, anymore than Kaneki was.

The only thing Kaneki was sure of, was that he couldn't be without Hide. The fear of losing him had bore a hole into his heart, and Kaneki realized he had never known fear like he did the moment he thought he had lost Hide altogether. It wouldn't ever happen again.

“Hide,” Kaneki said, and met his eyes. _Be strong. Be strong for Hide, for once. He is just as scared and unsure as you._ “I love you too.”

Hide flinched in surprise and instantly looked more at ease. He took a moment to savor the opportunity to stare at Kaneki, take in his features, before shrugging it off and leaning back on the bed. “It can be me, Kaneki,” he repeated. Kaneki nodded and pushed himself up onto the bed, then slid in between Hide's outstretched legs, back into the place he felt most at home, most himself.

Right next to him.

Kaneki took Hide's wrist and pressed it to his lips. His skin felt like gold that had been sitting out in the sun, and Kaneki spent a moment to savor the feeling of it, the temperature of it, while he still had it in his hands. His pulse was steady, but weaker than the first time. There was no way Hide could stand another feeding after this one.

It had to be the last.

It had to be Hide.

Slowly, Kaneki spread his lips, opened his mouth, and bit into his wrist. Hide's hand twitched and he sucked in a sharp and sudden breath, but then relaxed. He leaned into Kaneki and pulled him closer, and Kaneki again felt himself begin to bob and feel weightless, but Hide kept him grounded and lucid. Kaneki's grip tightened, but Hide placed a hand on his back and stopped him. He couldn't be too rough, he couldn't drink too fast, or he'd miss the opportunity entirely.

It was nothing like last time, Kaneki thought. Hide was right there with him, rather than miles away, and Kaneki felt the beat of his pulse and the rhythm of his breathing encompass him and surround him, filling up all his senses. He drank slowly, he knew it would never be this way again. He would never get to taste Hide, get drunk on his warmth, or feel the essence of every happy memory pulse through his body, ever again.

Kaneki was happy.

He thought Hide might say something, make a quip or at least say his name, but his heartbeat was growing faint, and Kaneki knew he had to continue. He knew if he pulled away or changed his mind, there would be no going back, and things would turn out even worse. Hide relied on him, depended on him to do it right.

He heard one last beat, and that was all.

Kaneki paused and then pulled away from Hide. There wasn't a mess, and Kaneki didn't hear a sound as Hide collapsed onto the mattress, although he was sure there had to be one. His eyes were closed, his face was calm. He looked asleep. Kaneki wiped a smear of blood from his lip.

Kaneki grabbed a fresh blanket from the closet and laid it over Hide, up to his chin just as he liked it. Kaneki sat on the edge of the bed for a while, not looking at him, for some reason he couldn't bring himself to. The floor under his feet was cold, the air was cold, Hide's skin was cold.

But Kaneki felt warm.

 

“ _Hide, let's hurry back.”_

“ _What?” Hide looked at him. “What's the problem?”_

“ _Uh, it's nothing,” Kaneki looked away and shifted his weight. “It's just really dark out, is all. There's no moon.”_

“ _Ohhh Kaneki, you're not scared of the dark, are you?” Hide teased and grabbed for Kaneki's sides. Kaneki stumbled away and continued walking down the street._

“ _I'm not really...scared, it's just...you know. You can't see.” He walked faster, and Hide laughed and caught up._

“ _It's fine. I'm right here. No zombies or bad guys will get you. They'll go for me instead.”_

“ _Why you?”_

“ _More meat,” Hide patted an arm, and Kaneki snorted._

“ _Besides,” Hide continued. “The world is exactly the same whether it's light out or dark out, right? There's really no objective difference. But I guess it's in our instincts to be scared of the dark. There might be things out there that can see you, but you can't see them.”_

“ _You're not helping, Hide.”_

_Hide flung an arm around him. “I guess that's why humans worship the sun, huh? You're a very primal type of person, if you're scared of the dark, it means you're worried the sun will never come back and protect you.”_

“ _Are you calling me a neanderthal or something?”_

_Hide laughed, and it echoed. “Don't be so worried, Kaneki. Right now it's dark and cold, but you can always count on the sun to come back in the morning.” He paused, and thought._

“ _But for now, you can just count on me.”_

 

Kaneki folded his hands, and felt himself smile. “Hurry back soon, Hide.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you very much for all your comments and support. i struggled a little bit with this, so your nice words really meant a lot to me! i hope you found the ending satisfactory. i sometimes like to leave things open ended, so please draw your own conclusions as you wish. xoxo


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